Oh, it’s been too long since I’ve written. I feel as though I’ve gone from one kind of busy to another. It used to be that we’d get ourselves packed up, dressed, and ready to go nearly every morning, and rush off to school, work, preschool, church, or whatever we had planned for the day. Now, I stay home with my two boys, make sure my eldest does his school work, and try to prevent the two of them from fighting too much. I focus on keeping them meaningfully engaged throughout the day and squeeze in as much housework or cooking as I can. Honestly, I prefer this type of ‘busy’ to the former. Being a recluse comes easily to me. It has actually gotten me thinking about how I could change my lifestyle when this is (God willing) all over. The irony, for me, was that when the pandemic cleared my schedule, I found myself breathing great sighs of relief. (Perhaps I have been over-committing?) I think it’s silly that it took a pandemic for me to realize that.
Many people are familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality test. I am INFP, leaning very heavily toward the introverted end of the spectrum (above the ninetieth percentile). “Notoriously difficult to get to know,” according to one description of INFP that I read. Although I enjoy people and can always see good in them, being with others (and especially in groups) is exhausting for me. Sometimes I feel that the rest of the world moves too fast. They talk fast, they walk fast, they do everything so darn fast. Social media, especially Facebook, move at the speed of light. I feel barraged by information, words, and images, constantly, without the time to process or think deeply about everything, the way that I would like to. This is why, at the end of each day, I shut myself into the bathroom and run a hot bath. Did you see that episode of “Stranger Things,” where they used a bathtub as a sensory deprivation tank? That’s what it is like for me.
Once, at a group I attend at my church, we were sharing around the table, as we often do. A couple of very deep questions were asked by the pastor, and we were supposed to take turns answering them. A lump formed in my throat immediately and my head swirled with thoughts. Did I have answers for those questions? Well, how long have you got? I could write a book on each one. I glanced at the clock, and looked around the table. A handful more people to share after me. Only about 15 minutes of sharing time left. That would leave me with 2, maybe 3 minutes, to say my piece. I thought about the other ladies. They barely knew me. Even the ones who have known me for years…how could I make them understand? I blinked back my tears, and drew a breath. “I think I’ll pass,” I said, “those are very big questions.” Yup…notoriously difficult, to get to know.
Having this personality comes with its baggage. It’s not that we don’t want to be known. We do. And, we see the easy closeness that other people share, and we envy them. We feel the pain of exclusion when not invited…but, we understand. It’s not their fault, it’s not ours. It just is.
Having this personality also comes with its delights. The tiny things of life bring great joy. The sunrise, or the sunset. A cup of tea. The laughter of children. A piece of art. The sun on my face. The world is rich, beyond belief.
And here, on my blog, I can share thoughts as slowly as I want. Those who want to, will read them, while those who move at a faster pace, can breeze on by.
I’m sorry for my unexplained absence. I’ve missed reading your posts too, especially those with whom I used to interact with regularly. I think I have brain space to blog again, but my posts may not look like they used to. I may give up on sticking to a schedule, or a particular type of content. My posts won’t be edited or curated as carefully anymore, I don’t think. It’s too much of a burden right now. These days I need to write as my children talk to me almost constantly, and I need to stop every minute or two to tend to something. So, the blog will be whatever it will be.
But, I need my blog! I need my pen pals!
I will try to visit your blogs in the near future too. Please feel free to comment below; how is everyone doing these days? I would love to hear from you!